Paul Yull - Re: Crossing White Lines - Legality Question

Date:    Tue, 23 Dec 1997 16:13:38 +0100
From:    Paul_Yull@Ventura-UK.com
Subject: Re: Crossing White Lines - Legality Question

Ben Chomped on Flossie's hook:

>      How do you know it's an IAM group? 10 feet apart and in a line
>      sounds
>      like an, er, unusual approach to IAM training ...

It sounds entirely normal to me.

Since it's Christmas, I'll pass on the benefit of my research into the IAM.
I have probably signed my own death warrant.

- - As soon as you join the IAM, you are given a NEVERWRONG injection.
(Trust me, I know these things). NEVERWRONG is a secret substance which means that
not only are you innoculated against being wrong, but you have the stamina
to continue BEINGRIGHT until the person who's ALWAYSWRONG gives up in
disgust. This may manifest itself in what appear to be endless nit-picking
debates, but oh no, it is the mark of the true IAM warrior to be NEVERWRONG
for the longest. Since there can be only one, this can take some time.

- - They drive around at exactly 70 mph (in 60 limits) in little duck-like
processions, faithfully doing everything the guy in front does, including
offsiding, pointless lifesavers and driving into stationary objects (Oh yes
they do.....). The IAM cult will always deny this, instead claiming that
the holy SYSTEM is the one true way and all true believers INDEPENDENTLY do
exactly the same thing under the same circumstances because they are
NEVERWRONG.

- - Like all true fanatics, one must know the good book inside out and be
able to quote vast passages for any occasion. One must also be expert in
interpreting the good book to support one's own stance. You will often find
IAM types practicing it on one another, quoting the same holy passage to
support their diametrically opposed points of view.

- - Like most secret organizations, there are certain ceremonies that hold
what the uninitiated may consider to be undue importance. This is to give a
sense of (self)importance to the initiate. It is most commonly manifested
in an obsession with which foot to put down at traffic lights and the
belief that to be able to travel for an infinite distance at 0.5 mph
without putting a foot down is MOST IMPORTANT.

- - broadly equivalent to the IXI crash'n'burn fest (or run/meet wotever) is
the IAM run. This is a darwinian type exercise designed to weed out the
non-believers. It is a procession which uses a tremendously complicated set
of THEONETRUE convoy rules. These rules have been cunningly designed to
frustrate nonbelievers into crashing into each other, thus leaving them
open for denunciation for failing to follow THEONETRUE convoy rules.
Clever, eh? Unfortunately it also takes its toll on true believers, who
being NEVERWRONG, blame the people they crash into. Much confusion is
caused but the All-Knowing-Observers-Of-God are granted the seeing-eye that
they may point out the wrongdoers, so it all comes out in the wash.

- - IAM people ALWAYS have an answer. Even if you havent actually asked a
question. This is because they are psychic.

- - MAKING PROGRESS is most important. Sometimes MAKING PROGRESS would be
described by the unwashed as 'riding like a loony'. Other times, MAKING
PROGRESS, would be described as 'riding like a pratt'. Other times it would
be described as 'riding very slowly'. This is because we (the unwashed)
don't understand. If we did understand, we would be able to MAKE PROGRESS
too, which really wouldn't do. Confusingly, MAKING PROGRESS is also the IAM
word for 'God'.

- - God passes the word directly through his All-knowing-observers-of-god
down to his initiates. However, there are certain
'techniques-that-should-never-be-discussed' which can never be passed on to
the initiate because they are too advanced. This is why
All-knowing-observers-of-God are better at MAKING PROGRESS than mere
initiates. Even if they are slower.

- - An easy way to spot an IAM member is to have a bike cop say hello to
them. If they come in their leathers, this is a dead giveaway.

- - IAM members are crash-proof, nick-proof and faster than you. If this is
despite all evidence to the contrary, remember they are NEVERWRONG.

Finally, DO NOT BE TAKEN IN BY MARVIN. On the surface, he may be LGPA, all
round nutter and good joe. However, he is very dangerous. He is actually an
elite recruiter sent by the god of MAKING PROGRESS to fool you into
thinking that normal(ish) people can join the IAM. Do not be fooled. You
will be brainwashed and your family will end up having to kidnap you.

Hope that helps.

Paul